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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29352498">today marks two long dreams</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeioBrainrot/pseuds/KeioBrainrot'>KeioBrainrot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Self-Contained Luminosity [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hollow Knight (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Platonic Relationships, Regret, Self-Indulgent, brumm is there but he's only mentioned like four times, i wrote this in 3 days while possessed by a feverish desire for angst, in this house we stan supportive grimm, or 'personal void' as radi calls it, this is the first hk fic i have ever written please don't hurt me</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 14:09:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,218</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29352498</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeioBrainrot/pseuds/KeioBrainrot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alive and free in an echo of Hallownest where the only remaining enemy is the weight of her actions, the Radiance learns how simple it is to give over to senselessness, feeling nothing but the faint ache of regret as a different type of void tears at her from inside.</p><p>An old friend is there, at least- doing what he can to make it go away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Grimm &amp; The Radiance (Hollow Knight)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Self-Contained Luminosity [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2180520</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>today marks two long dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Radiance: I think I'm sick and it's because of the Void</p><p>Grimm: That's a funky little thing I like to call "crippling depression"</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Well, uh.. writing this was a doozy. I did my best to balance the, straight-up angst with the actual acknowledgement that she'd done something wrong and regret that Radi felt, because even if I try to portray her as sympathetic, she still destroyed a kingdom, so..</p><p> Anyways, this was.. honestly a vent fic for me, it's kinda self-indulgent. I purposely made it so that the infection was gone and everyone still affected by it was restored to their original state, because I wanted this to be solely about Radiance, and how she felt after the whole ordeal. It's not meant as a redemption arc or a character study, I just wanted to write this.</p><p>I'll stop talking now, this notes section has gone on for far too long. Please enjoy the story! :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>After all this time..</i>
</p><p>
  <i>All those years, sealed and alone except for the mindless Vessel still convinced of its own purpose, despite all her attempts to convince it otherwise. However, now that she was finally free..</i>
</p><p><i>Dragging herself out of the temple, that first breath of surprise as the goddess realized this was decidedly not the Dream Realm, the cold sting of feathers and wings against stone, watching as infected vines receded and orange eyes cleared..</i> </p><p>
  <i>Radiance had expected to feel.. anger. Hate. A drive to finally change things, finally make people remember her- for real this time. Rise to power once more, hunt down that wretched wyrm, if he was still alive. Reclaim what was rightfully hers.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>No. Unfortunately, it was not that easy.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Once the reality of it all had set in, all she felt was a dull ache, clawing at her chest, almost suffocating- and not to mention a dizzying migraine, making it difficult for her even to see straight.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The days after that were a mindless blur, at some point having the presence of mind to return to her old place of worship at the summit of Crystal Peak. Was that statue, perhaps, still there? Mind fogged by doubts and regret, she remembers.. weakly stumbling along, desperate for.. something. Familiarity? A memory of the reverence the old bugs had used to bear her? She couldn't put a name to it, but it was the only thing left for her to cling to.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Radiance never did make it to the summit. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>She'd been.. about a third of the way there, probably, when a flash of red crossed her vision suddenly. Those flames.. yes, she remembers thinking. She knew those flames well. A small masked.. thing.. had been there, floating about with mischievous giggling that filled the air.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The odd little creature, not like any other bug she'd ever seen, had floated towards her, still giggling. Had it been saying something? She didn't remember. She remembered it getting a little too close for comfort, that warm flame threateningly close to her wings. She remembered wanting to shoo it away, but being unable to because her throat was filled with tar and her mind filled with static.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Radiance remembered the creature cooing and waving its little flame, beckoning her to follow. She remembered shambling all the way back to Dirtmouth, entering a tent, sitting heavily down on the canvas-lined floor, watching as a familiar face materialized in the doorway.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Remembered Grimm's questions, his teasing, the way his demeanor changed entirely as he scanned listless, luminous white eyes with a thousand-yard stare for answers that wouldn't come.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He tried asking what had happened, clearly he was worried. She still didn't know whether he had been worried for her, or for Hallownest and the fate of the vessels. Was it perhaps both? Could he, or anyone for that matter, care about both?</i>
</p><p>It wasn't important, in the end. He'd allowed her to stay with the Troupe- doubtless also so that he could keep an eye on her. Make sure she didn't hurt anyone else, or heaven forbid, cause another infection. Again, whether he actually cared for this stupid world and the stupid bugs in it was beyond her, he was, after all, an outsider, but in any case.. she appreciated it.</p><p>It wasn't as if Radiance did anything but lie there alone in the tent staring at nothing anyway. Grimm had asked her if she was bored, offered to show her a performance or meet his kin or listen to their music, but every single time, her only response was, if not complete silence, a quiet shake of the head and, if she could clear the static in her mind for long enough, a clipped "<i>thank you</i>" in the Troupe Master's thoughts.</p><p>Most of the time, though, she was alone. Just as she was now. </p><p>Really, it was almost funny. It would have been so much easier to rage, to continue the vengeful uprising she'd started, to bear the infection anew as one more act of defiance. That, in all that time spent sealed in the temple, had been her goal.</p><p>What a cynical delusion, and a waste of time at that. One good thing about all this.. well, being alone made for an undeniable chance at self-reflection. Her hatred for the Pale King burned as bright as ever, of course, but.. had all of this been worth it? It wasn't fair at all.. </p><p>Like a stubborn child, Radiance had turned away from the weight of her actions. Carrying on in the belief that it was all justified. In for a penny, in for a pound, after all- thinking that since the damage was done she'd better see it through to the end. And what an end it was.</p><p>No wonder she had clung to her anger for so long. It was, after all, easier to rage than despair, and she had no doubt that had she let go of all the hatred and vengeance fueling the scourge upon Hallownest, this.. awful feeling of numbness, this unshakable notion that nothing mattered anymore and it was all pointless.. would have happened much, much sooner. She would have given up, and the world would have been better off for it.</p><p>Given a choice, she would have returned to that rage, let it fester for a few hundred years more. Anything to convince herself once more that this was righteous anger, that that stupid king had overstepped his bounds, that the infection was retribution well deserved for causing everyone to turn their backs on her-</p><p>But of course, Radiance didn't have a choice. Instead of raining down hellfire on a world that had sealed her away a second time, and failed a second time, instead of storming that wyrm's stupid palace and telling him exactly what she thought of his pathetic kingdom before turning him into a life-size pincushion, instead of rising back to the dream realm and reassuming her rightful place as a fearsome goddess, she was here.</p><p>On the floor of one of the Grimm Troupe's tents, feeling overwhelmed and yet empty at the same time, weighed down by regret and weakness and every manner of emotion she can't quite find the drive to put words to. What an utter joke. It frightens her (would have frightened her? She doesn't seem to be able to feel much anymore, not even fear- and now that she thinks about it, she's not sure 'frightened' is even the right word for it) how easy it was, to simply collapse and start rotting, wasting away there with no desire to rise again.</p><p>Would have, anyway, had it not been for Grimm. He's not too bad, she thinks, his mischievous teasing is irritating and she doesn't like it (wouldn't have liked it? Radiance doesn't feel like she particularly likes or dislikes anything right now), but he's helpful at least. She doesn't think it would have made any difference to her then, but rotting in a tent with other bugs there to help her is objectively better than, for example, rotting in some corner of Hallownest or rotting sealed within a Vessel.</p><p>That kindness- does she deserve it? Almost definitely not. She hardly has to think about that question, because it is, after all, true. Looking back on it with more presence of mind, she'd half expected to be struck down on the spot, removing any doubt of the infection resurfacing a third time. She's not even sure she would have minded it, honestly. After all that time spent thinking on the topic, she's come to the conclusion that perhaps both her and Hallownest were better off in her absence.</p><p>The gentle rustling of canvas drags her out of her reverie.</p><p>Grimm is here, she knows. She doesn't bother looking up, even the act of simply moving her head seeming like an exhausting effort. Perhaps if she acts like she doesn't see him, he won't see her. Perhaps he'll think she's asleep and leave her there to rot away. Some of the time she can muster the energy to at least acknowledge him and thank him for his hospitality, but now is not one of those times.</p><p>"My friend," he hums, and internally she heaves a sigh because why ever would she think Grimm wouldn't notice her, it was foolish of her to assume and why can't he see she can barely muster up the energy to do anything today, "I believe it is time you got back on your feet now, hm?"</p><p>About that, at least, the Troupe Master is correct. That, of course, does not mean she agrees with him.</p><p>Radiance looks up, luminous white eyes glancing briefly at him, if only as a sign of acknowledgement. '<i>There, I've heard you</i>', she wants to say, but today is not a good day and the words simply won't come. Then, with an effort that makes her feel about ready to physically crumble into dust, she moves for the first time in days-</p><p>-and promptly rolls over, wings wrapped around her face and body as if to tell Grimm to go away. She can feel the energy draining from her as the seconds pass, but it's a sacrifice she's willing to make if it means he'll leave her alone.</p><p>"Is that any way to treat your host, dear friend?" his teasing voice comes, and the temperature in the room rises ever so slightly, a sign that he's gotten closer. She wishes he'd go away. She wishes he'd stop calling her "friend", because the term and what it implies are confusing and complicated and thinking about it too hard will make her think about other things that will make her feel guilty.</p><p>Radiance fluffs her feathers and turns further away. What a joke- the Creator of the Moth Tribe, the Goddess of Light and Dreams, reduced to this mess on the floor of a traveling troupe's tent that can hardly find the drive to stand up? The slight pang of shame is gone as soon as it comes, replaced by the same aching tiredness and a desire to just be left alone.</p><p>"Dear, you remind me of a child," Grimm teases, moving closer and bending to help her sit. Barely, but just barely pleased with how much smaller he is than her and how much harder that makes it for him to sit her up against the wall, she glowers at him, making no move to push herself up. "Don't be difficult, now. You are our guest here, after all."</p><p>She knows that normally she would be irritated at this, normally she would make some verbal barb about not having wanted to be here to begin with, that she hadn't asked for his help, but right now she simply can't find the words, can't even muster a full glare at him. The half-glare does nothing to deter him either, and he succeeds at propping her up against a crate, ignoring how clearly tired she is.</p><p>He leaves, and for a minute she thinks he'll leave her alone, but then of course the stupid, logical voice in her head speaks, the one that tells her she should get up already, the one that yells at her for her actions (as if that was necessary-) and reiterates things she knows to be true. Grimm clearly is not going to leave her alone, and if she could manage to get off the ground and do.. something, she would. But that isn't going to happen.</p><p>For a moment she thinks of the vessels. How do they manage to bear it? This.. emptiness? It very likely isn't the same thing, but "empty" is the only way she can think to describe the things she's felt- or lack thereof. A personal void, is what Radiance decides upon calling it, dwelling on pointless things and labels of feelings that don't matter because it's infinitely easier than getting up and facing the physical world.</p><p>Pieces of a conversation in the next room (if you can even call it that) draw her attention.</p><p>"-the Light? The one who-" "-infection?" That voice, she doesn't recognize. A member of the Troupe, perhaps? Her head is buzzing and she feels dizzy.. she can't focus.</p><p>"The very same, yes." Oh. That, for sure, is Grimm. And he's talking about her. Radiance knows she would usually be upset at this disrespect, but even if she had the energy to do something, does she even have any right to be angry?</p><p>"And.. she's staying inside the tent?"</p><p>"Correct once more."</p><p>"With us?"</p><p>"Yes! You catch on very quick, it seems, would you like a sticker?" Grimm's voice comes, and under different circumstances she would've grinned against her own accord at the Troupe Master's sarcasm, but instead she leans back and continues to listen.</p><p>"Is that.. safe?" Ah, there it is.</p><p>"I.. do not understand what you are asking me."</p><p>"How do we know she won't.." There's a pause, during which Radiance imagines the bug gesturing meaningfully, "..do anything?" it finishes.</p><p>"Well," Grimm's voice is light with mirth as he spins to look presumably in her direction, "considering she can very likely hear you at this moment and has not yet made any sort of endeavor at blasting you to oblivion for your disrespect-" she internally curses him for his teasing, but still can't force herself to move or speak, "or otherwise making her presence felt, it would seem she simply lacks the desire to do anything, much less cause harm."</p><p>"I.. see," it replies, though even she can tell from its bemused and frightened tone that it very clearly does not. "I.. will leave you be. Some bugs are.. returning to Dirtmouth, now that the.. infection is gone, I should let you know." Footsteps recede, and they're alone again.</p><p>She curses internally again. Of course. While even she understands that her actions were (and this is a gross understatement) wrong, and hell, she richly deserves whatever retribution the bugs of Hallownest would like to bring down on her head, that absolutely does not mean she has to welcome it, or that she wants to interact with anyone at all in her current state. Not even Grimm, but then again, that wasn't her choice.</p><p>Oh, speak of the devil, here he comes again. Finding that a little bit of the tired numbness has left, she moves to look at him as he enters, the effort not seeming as immense this time. "<i>..?</i>" Though still silent, Radiance manages to force enough of a quizzical look onto her face to get the message across to him, and it works. </p><p>Good. She doesn't think she would have been ready to speak, yet.</p><p>"The infection is gone, they say," he hums, and she chooses to take that as a reply because she doesn't have the energy to ask more persistently, "was that your doing?" Red eyes meet her own golden white ones, obviously waiting for an answer.</p><p>Though the action makes her feel as if her head is filled with weights, she shakes her head no. All she did was die- the void (the actual void, not the personal one she's been experiencing) was cold and unwelcoming and it was over in an instant, but she doesn't think she can successfully explain that to Grimm.</p><p>Hm. Maybe this "personal void" was a result of her death in the real one? It's probably worth looking into, but she can't find it in her to care.</p><p>"I see." That's the same thing that bug from before said, but unlike it, she's not sure whether he actually means it or not. There's an unknown emotion in his tone- disappointment? Is he disappointed she had nothing to do with it, convinced she might have given up on her vengeance, seen the error of her judgment and released her hold on Hallownest?</p><p>No. He's probably more just thoughtful of the whole situation. As an outsider, she doubts it would have affected him anyway.</p><p>"Whatever the case," he begins, slightly higher than face level with her now that she's sat up and not on the floor as she was prior, "-your.. current state is not one any bug, much less a higher being such as you or I, should be victim to for long. All of us must, at some point, rise anew, and to this you are no exception."</p><p>Is he serious?</p><p>She stares at him, unable to properly communicate how incredulous all of this is. He's watching her for a response, she notes, scornfully wondering exactly what he wants her to say. Well, she has nothing to tell him, and he seems to understand that, backing off and instead offering a hand to help hoist herself off the floor.</p><p>Again his offer is met with scorn, for Radiance herself does not have any hands to accept his own. Still, though it is inconvenient, she extends a wing out for him to grab, and (despite the discomfort that comes with the tug on a limb not meant to withstand such pressure) pulls herself up to her full height, standing on shaky legs.</p><p>She nearly topples over, but the sight of Grimm absolutely dwarfed by the much taller moth is enough to at least amuse her, if only for a brief moment. "The bugs outside will not be disturbing us," he continues, not mentioning her struggle to stay on balance, which, at least, she's grateful for. "Our Troupe, it seems, is.. frightening to them. I expect they'll not be keen to have a better look."</p><p>Still, she makes no response but a silent nod of acknowledgement, focusing on staying upright now that he can't help steady her any longer. He seems to take this as acceptable, and together they move into the next room, where a bug with an accordion (she's heard him been referred to as Brumm, but she can't be quite sure) is brewing tea.</p><p>"Brumm," he addresses, confirming her thoughts. "Enough left for us, I hope?"</p><p>The bug with the accordion nods, bowing slightly as he steps aside to allow Grimm access to the teapot. Radiance doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want to see the look on his face, whether it's fear or disgust or something else entirely, but she knows, she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that Brumm is looking at her.</p><p>"Perhaps the bugs returning to Dirtmouth will enjoy our performances," he muses. "Out of all those returning to their lives before the infection, surely at least one of them will-" He continues to speak, but she tunes it out, dropping heavily into the first seat she sees. The static in her mind has quieted, but his words are still drowned out.</p><p>But he hands her a cup, carved from bone, and while holding the damned thing with her wings is a hassle, at least it's warm and provides some form of comfort.</p><p>"Do you," Grimm begins cautiously, "know anything about how the Infection receded?" He's walking on eggshells, it's clear. Despite all the teasing and theatrics and mischief, she begrudgingly admits that the Troupe Master does, in fact, know how to be delicate when it's called for.</p><p>Deciding that she had better at least try, Radiance sighs shakily, and attempts to force out words.</p><p>"<i>Di-</i>"</p><p>He watches her warily, understanding that this is the first time she's spoken, unwavering red eyes trying to conceal just how concerned he is. It doesn't work, and she would have called him out on it, but as of now she is trying to speak despite the spikes that feel like they're filling her throat.</p><p>"<i>D- died.</i>" she manages finally, holding the cup below her face and breathing in the steam. She doesn't want to see Grimm's reaction. Better to answer his next question, and get on with it already. Comforted by the warmth of the tea, she adds on, with much less difficulty this time, "<i>-void.</i>"</p><p>Deciding to bite the bullet, Radiance looks up, finally seeing his face, expecting contempt or scorn, but finding only silent understanding. Feeling the slightest bit less weighed down, she takes a sip from the cup, refusing to put it down both because the temperature is comforting and because picking the thing up again after she's set it down will be a pain in the ass, since, unfortunately, she does not have hands.</p><p>"Ah."</p><p>That's all he says, and they sit in silence, neither of them speaking, whether that's because they simply recognize that now is not an appropriate time or because they physically cannot drag the words out.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Some time passes, and finally everything simply gets so overwhelming that she feels she simply has to say something. She knows Grimm doesn't possess much knowledge of the Void, of the issue it seems to have caused her, but it won't be solved if she doesn't tell anyone at all.</p><p>"<i>I.. think..</i>" she starts, speaking slowly, trying to clear out the proverbial sludge filling her throat, suffocating and crushing her windpipe, "<i>..sick.. I am.. sick.</i>" It's not the best description, but it's the best she can manage, the most she can manage to explain at a time.  "<i>It's.. I think.. because.. of the Void.."</i></p><p>"What do you mean?" he pries, looking as though he's choosing his words even more carefully than usual. "Sick..? What sort of illness..? It doesn't seem as if you're ill.. would you explain more, my friend?" The mention of the Void only seems to worry him more, and usually she would feel bad, but it seems she's only got the barest amount of energy to focus on one thing at a time.</p><p><i>"It.. feels..</i>" Radiance struggles to find words, "<i>..empty. Like.. Void, but.. if Void was.. an emotion.</i>" It had been getting easier, bit by bit, to speak. But now, putting this into words, the comfort seems to have just.. gone. Grimm is looking at her, worried, and she wonders if he's upset. The tea has gone cold, the surface of the cup chilly under her wings.</p><p>So she decides to at least try and explain further, hoping that he will understand. That there's some way to fix this. Because, while not even an hour ago she was on the floor of a tent wishing the Troupe Master would leave her be to rot there, feeling too heavy even to stand- even as all of that comes flooding back to her and she sets the cup back down out of concern that she'll drop it because her wings suddenly feel like a weight she can't carry-</p><p>She hates this. Hates how pathetic she is. At this rate, even if anyone wanted to seal her again, they wouldn't have to. If she's simply left alone, it feels as if she can't trust herself to get back up again. It feels like she'll just stay fallen and rot for eternity.</p><p>And even though the ache is so heavy it threatens to drag her down through the sodden earth, she doesn't want that to be her eternity.</p><p><i>"..tired</i>." Radiance tries, forcing out the sound. ".<i>.The Void.. sickness. I am.. always tired.. everything feels.. pointless. It feels.. like nothing.. nothing matters. Always empty.. I cannot.. feel anything.. so heavy, all the time.."</i></p><p>She's looking at Grimm, but she's not really seeing him. Not focusing on anything. Using what little energy she can muster to try and put this into words, trying her hardest to press on despite the ache binding her like a cocoon, threatening to crack her ribcage and consume her entirely. She doesn't know if it's helping, doesn't know if this will help the weights go away, but she has to try.</p><p><i>"..and I believe.. it is because of the Void.</i>" she finishes finally, still not completely <i>there.</i></p><p>"I know what plagues you," Grimm says, and she refocuses on him, surprised and confused at the sad smile he appears to be giving her, "but I must inform you that this 'illness' was not borne of Void, but of your own thoughts."</p><p><i>"What?</i>" Radiance stares at him, disbelieving. "<i>What.. what caused it.. then..?</i>" Part of her is relieved, grateful that this isn't.. anything quite as horrific as she'd imagined it, a sort of Void infection would have been frightening especially given that she no longer seemed to have control over any of it, but at the same time.. she can't help but withdraw from the unknown.</p><p>He shrugs, a slight swish of his cloak marking the ambiguous response. "The answer to that, I.. do not have. If I were to make a guess, I suppose it might have to do with your.. residual emotions in regards to your actions before and after being sealed?" The words don't make sense to her. He's speaking, but she can't piece together what he's saying.</p><p>She can't seem to force out more questions, knowing it isn't worth it, knowing the questions will spawn more questions that she potentially doesn't want to know the answers to. Instead, she nods, pretending to have understood, and finds the next thing on her mind. The words come out easier this time.</p><p>
  <i>"How do you.. know this?"</i>
</p><p>Something in Grimm's face changes, like a curtain being drawn shut behind his eyes, cutting him off from her. Is he upset? Was that.. not something she should have asked? For a moment, she recognizes the look on his face. He's exhausted, just the same way she was. Does that mean..?</p><p>A rueful look on his face, he speaks again. "I have experienced it too."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Radiance hadn't thought it could feel any heavier than this, she had been convinced this was the worst it could get, but she's proven wrong- the weight seeming to drag her down twofold. That.. personal void, it ached and consumed everything and suffocated her quietly from inside, but knowing the same had happened to Grimm..</p><p>The thought of him on the floor of the tent, festering away like she had- or perhaps in his nightmare realm, sleeping alone the way he'd done before.. all of this.. Who was there to drag him to his feet, to offer him tea and force him to slow the decomposition?</p><p>She recoils, as if from a physical blow. Because that's how it felt- all the air being knocked out of her, like all the sludge and tar in her throat has found its way into her chest and solidified and there's no more room to breathe.</p><p>She has to force herself to say something, has to apologize even through the choking ache clouding her mind, because it's the only thing she can think to say. It doesn't work, and what comes out is a strangled, raspy sound that's halfway between a groan and a sob and nowhere close to an apology.</p><p>He stops, realizing, muttering incoherently as he rises from where he's leaning and crosses to her side. "Ah- ah, it's all right. To upset you, I promise, that was not my intention, I-" She doesn't hear the rest of the sentence. It's not all right. Nothing is all right. In fact, everything currently is decidedly wrong, and it's her fault and she doesn't know how to even begin to fix it.</p><p>Radiance tries to take a breath, tries to clear her windpipe and stop proverbially crumbling in front of someone who only wants to help her, but she can't. Her throat is tight and stuffy and there's no room for any air and it hurts. </p><p>Grimm speaks again, and she can actually hear it this time, his voice loud enough to drown out the static buzzing in her head. He doesn't comment further, which she's thankful for- despite the feeling that she might shatter at any moment, she's glad the Troupe Master is at least subtle about treating her like she's made of glass.</p><p>"What you are feeling," he starts slowly, pausing to choose the right words as if searching a cluster of grapes for the right one to pop into his mouth, seeming more as if he's looking through her than looking at her, "-it feeds on hatred. It is sustained by anger and regret, by silence and darkness." </p><p>She stops as the ache is briefly, but only briefly, dulled by confusion. It's only one word, so it's easier than before to speak without inadvertently suffocating herself, but it's still difficult even as she forces out the sound. She gestures at herself, despite how.. heavy her wings feel. "<i>..Light?</i>" She hopes Grimm understands what she means.</p><p>"Oh," good, he did understand, "No, no, my friend, I did not mean.." He pauses, evidently amused despite how tired he seems all of a sudden. "I did not mean literal darkness, no. Not the type that is simply the absence of light, I meant.. surely you have felt it at least once? It is, now I say it.. rather difficult to put into words."</p><p>Radiance nods. She thinks she does understand what he's trying to say, if only just barely. So, then, is that what caused this? How does she get rid of it? She doesn't understand at all.. she just wants all of it to go away. Has it.. gone away, for him yet? How did he make it go away? And if he didn't.. how in the world is he still standing?</p><p>"You must do something," he tells her gently, still hovering at her side, at eye level with her since she's currently crumpled into the chair. "Do something, at least, even if it is small. It may not leave for a while yet, this.. illness w- you have. You could not have been allowed to remain, there.. that is how it kills you. The longer you remain dormant.. the harder it will be to arise once more."</p><p>She makes a hum of acknowledgement, tries to think about how exactly she can press on, what she can do to stay.. like this. She tries to think about how she can fight this illness, this 'personal void'- and tries not to think about the fact that he nearly said "we" instead of "you", tries not to notice the dull pain swelling inside.</p><p><i>"What..</i>" it's getting easier to speak, if only just barely, "<i>..what.. can I do..?</i>" Some of the tar in her throat clears, and she's able to force a shaky breath. That feels.. better, she thinks, she feels better now, less like she's suffocating. Yes, that's definitely better. "<i>..I am not exactly.. welcome, in.. in Hallownest."</i></p><p>She swears she sees a glint of amusement in Grimm's eyes as he moves to stand in front of her, evidently having already come up with an idea. "Radiance, my friend.." he starts, and the undertone of mischief is clear in his voice and she can already feel herself trying to muster up the energy to roll her eyes because she already knows what he's going to say is going to be so unbearably stupid-</p><p>"-do you know how to dance?"</p><p>Not quite surprised, but incredulous that he had actually asked her, she simply stares at him, waiting for him to laugh and say it was a joke. It, predictably, does not happen, and she finds herself torn at whether to be disappointed in herself for thinking he was actually going to let her off that easily, or disbelieving at how ridiculous this whole situation was.</p><p><i>"No.</i>" Immediately, she wishes that she had clarified further, because Grimm then proceeds to interpret that as an answer to his question of whether she knew how to dance, and not to the tacit question of whether she was willing to.</p><p>He simply stands there, with that insufferable look on his face, and extends his hand, waiting, expecting her to accept it, to accept his offer and stand up in spite of it all. And despite the tired look in his eyes not a few moments ago, this time she sees a flicker of something.. different. Something brighter- the tentative glint of hope.  "I can show you."</p><p>Knowing what she knows now, the thought of crushing that hope is almost unthinkable to her. So she nods, extends her wing for him to grab, and heaves herself up, feeling some of the weight go away. Not all of it, nowhere near all of it, but.. enough, at least, for Radiance to feel lighter, less like she's made of sand, precarious and heavy and unable to move.</p><p>They depart from the tent, leaving behind the slight mess and spilled droplets of tea and empty cups, and move into a large empty room- one, she thinks, Grimm might have used as an arena at one point or another, if the open space is anything to go by. Wobbling slightly as he releases his grip and moves to the center of the room, she watches to see what he will do..</p><p>and stares, bemused and stunned, as he starts swaying and spinning and waving his arms about in a grand display that makes him look so utterly ridiculous that not even she can suppress a tiny peal of laughter. It feels.. nice, she thinks, to laugh. The small release of pressure in her chest makes it better.</p><p>He seems pleased at this reaction, extending his hand again and motioning for her to join him. It's good, she decides, that he seems happy. So, fine. Even if it's insufferable and she's not quite sure what Grimm is trying to achieve, she will humor him, because as he said, she has to do something.</p><p>Slowly, with motion that's less befitting of an ethereal goddess and more reminiscent of the jerky, mechanical movements of a wooden marionette, she makes an attempt at.. at dancing. She must look absolutely demented right now, but it's.. fun..? No, not exactly, she's not sure that's the word.. but she doesn't think it's bad.</p><p>"You see?" he says with a laugh as he helps her spin, a crackling noise not unlike the sound of a fire. "You take to dance well- it eases the mind, doesn't it?" The flame is warm and the dark is dispelled, if only for now. </p><p>Dancing, or whatever imitation Radiance is attempting, is.. nice. It feels lighter than sitting or laying down, makes her feel like if she keeps moving, she can avoid being stationary long enough for the heavy feeling to return. But even so, she still feels weighed down- lighter, yes, but still too heavy to move in the smooth, graceful way Grimm does when he's dancing (how can he manage it?) and still risking crumbling to the ground again with each step.</p><p>She still feels so drained. While it's nice, it still makes her feel so tired.. but that's not bad, is it? After all, decaying on the floor had made her feel tired too, but this was beyond a doubt, so much better. She tries to keep that in mind as they dance, even as she topples over because she's just not used to moving so much, even as she feels the temptation to simply stay there on the floor and not get up.</p><p>They stop, after a while. Grimm understands that this is exhausting. That even if she's managed to fight the 'personal void' and get back up, they can only do so much at once. So he leaves her there alone, bidding her farewell for now, trusting her to be able to stand and make her way back to the other tent on her own.</p><p>Trusting her to stand up again.</p><p>The thought of that makes the ache go away a bit more. Makes it easier to breathe, and slowly move out of the room- not wobbling as much, this time, and she doesn't feel like she might crumble anymore. She might lose her balance, might stumble a bit- but she won't collapse, this time.</p><p>Radiance walks into the next room, sees the empty cups of tea neither she nor Grimm bothered to put away, and his earlier words replay in her head, drowning out some of the static buzzing there.</p><p>Do something, at least, even if it is small.</p><p>She moves to the table, scooping up the cups with her wings, and silently praying to every other Higher Being she can think of (except the Root, the Wyrm, and herself, because the first two can burn in hell for all she cares, and as for the third, well she's not that egotistical-) that she doesn't drop them.</p><p>Thankfully, she doesn't, and she is able to deposit the cups (a little clumsily, but she can be excused for that, can't she?) into a basin of water, watching the last remnants of dried tea bleed off like ink. Cleaning up after herself is the least she can do.</p><p>It feels better now. So much lighter, and so much less suffocating. She isn't naive, nowhere near it. She knows that she has a long, long way to go and this is only the first of many days she will have to fight and force herself to get up again, and that even after this she will have to struggle even harder to atone for even a fraction of what she's done to this kingdom..</p><p>But she has to keep trying. She has to keep getting up again, no matter how heavy it feels.</p>
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